Not what I imagined...

...My husband moves into his own place tomorrow. Things reached the point of no return and we cannot live together anymore. Lots of heartbreak all round. Telling the children was painful. Telling everyone is really hard. I can't really face being in groups of people right now, can only deal with very close friends who knew we had problems. I'm dreading the start of term tomorrow, I have to let certain people know in case the children mention it.

I keep wondering if this is right and asking myself if we can work on it....after all he's never been unfaithful, a drinker, hit me, abused me and he loves us all but in my heart of hearts I know it is right as there has been a total breakdown in communication. I thought things would be very amicable but we seem to have become the stereotypical separating couple - arguing about money mostly and who gets what....money was always one of our flashpoints (I've resented not having equal access or control and I've resented being shut out of our finances even more than being shut of of his heart/thoughts/interests/work as I felt like a child) so I suppose it's inevitable that money will cause even more trouble now we're no longer together.

Can't really say more right now. My head and heart are in a mess.

I feel quite old!

We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last week. And I am now the mother of two school aged children, Anna started school yesterday. No dramas at all, she ran in happy and ran out happy at the end. I am looking forward to more time with Phoebe (is that awful? it feels a bit disloyal to my older girls!) and more time to sort out the chaos that is our home now I'm not doing a preschool run in the middle of each day.

It feels like we're all moving on with the new school year starting. I'm happy it's starting without the soul searching the last 2 have begun with, I am now reasonably at peace with my decision to school the girls.

Lately I've been doing more grown-up things like having the odd night out, rediscovering old friends from my pre motherhood life. I like it!

xx

Enforced Rest

I had a minor operation the week before last and so I've been forced to take it easy.  It was a little more traumatic than we could have predicted so for a good few days I couldn't really do anything.  I anticipated it with a sense of dread for months and months as I'm so rarely apart from the children, especially Phoebe who's not even 2 yet and nurses loads, but it was OK in the end, everyone got through it with no lasting consequences.   In fact for several nights after I came home Phoebe slept better than she ever has, though it's not lasted and who can tell if it was related to what had been happening.

Anyway for the last 10 days I've done more knitting, watching of DVDs and reading than I've done in the last year.   And I've had a holiday from volunteering.  I actually love volunteering and it energises me but it has been eating more and more time recently so the break from that has been good on more than one level as I've had chance to reflect on what I can do with the time that I'm able to give.

It was a little frustrating to be inactive and I had to try hard to relinquish control over the household and just let DH get on with it all, but at the same time I did enjoy chilling out and I definitely should try harder to make more time for it.    I'm positive I'll be more patient and enjoy the things I have to do more if I carve out a little more 'me time' a little more often.  

I shouldn't need the excuse of surgery or hospitalisation to occasionally go off duty for a bit!  

Sleep Obsession

I look forward to a time when I am not constantly missing sleep, counting the hours I sleep, the number of times I wake and starting the day when it still feels like night. I know a lot of it is about attitude and there have been periods where I'm probably not getting more sleep than at the moment but I've not been tired and obsessive about sleep the way I am right now. When other stuff is going on aside from the everyday things I really realise just how much I need to sleep more. My concentration isn't too good and my memory is pretty below par too.

Lucy has always slept for long stretches. There was even a time where I had to wake her up some mornings if we needed to go out early. Sigh!! Anna was a 'high need' baby who seemed to hate to sleep. She only started to reliably go through the night when Phoebe was a few months old. Phoebe wakes to nurse at night, I can deal with this, I accept it's normal and in her best interests and as we co sleep it's not overly disruptive to my sleep (teething and colds aside!), no, it's not the nights - it's the ridiculously early mornings.

People have commented on my wearing full make up and being super organised in the mornings on the way to school. That is what happens when you have up to three hours tol fill before you leave the house! If you ever see me minus mascara running up the road 5 minutes late you will know that day was a rare and longed for day where I got to sleep in until a more sociable hour! Looking on the bright side I admit it's a good feeling to return from drop off to no pots in the kitchen, a load of washing already done with a tired toddler in tow who will sleep all morning allowing me to get on with stuff and even enjoy a nice cuppa. However I would like her to kip a bit longer so that we can sometimes go out in the mornings without her being very tired!

Ho hum!

long time no blog!

I just haven't had time for ages, I never sit still long enough to write a great deal, life got extra bisy when Phoebe started to walk way back in August.

Anyway I'm back today to share something Anna (aged 4) is worrying about.....I'll record the conversation we had:

Anna: One day will I die? (no idea where this has come from!)

me: Yes, nobody lives forever, I'm sure it won't be for a very, very long time though

Anna: Will you die mummy?

me: yes, we all die one day, but not for a very long time, my mummy and daddy are still alive so I'm sure I'll be around to see you have your own babies and watch them grow up.

Anna: (starts to cry a little bit) I don't want you to die, I need you to look after me

me: I'm really sure you won't need looking after cos you'll be all grown up, you will have your own house by then

Anna: (sobbing) I don't EVER want to have my own house, I want to stay here with you, Daddy, Lucy and Phoebe!

Me: (now cuddling Anna) that's lovely sweetheart, you might feel differently when you're a grown up, we'll all live together for a very long time before you even THINK about living in your own place

She seemed reassured to I popped out of the room to get a drink....and heard her say 'Lucy, when we grow up can we live in a house together?' I didn't hear Lucy's reply. I returned to the dining room and Anna asked me if she'll be able to cook pasta whenever she likes when she's a grown up (yes) and said maybe we'll all live in a row of houses and go to each others' houses for tea every day.

I don't know what's brought this on. Just lately Jade Goody has been on my mind a lot as it's so heartbreaking for her and her kids, she's only 27 and they're 4 and 5. I know someone else who's lost their partner/kids' mother too. I haven't spoken about any of this in front of my children so it's kind of spooked me out slightly that Anna's talked about this today.

Like ripples that spread when a pebble is dropped into water

I was at my LLL meeting today and saw a woman I thought I knew but couldn't think where from....it happens a lot with me as I always remember faces but tend to forget all other details. We got chatting and remembered that we'd met at a home ed thing a year ago (I toy with the idea of HE from time to time). She told me she'd hoped she'd run into me again ever since that day as she'd bought a sling after seeing me use a woven wrap to carry Phoebe who must have only been a month or so old then. She told me how the sling and babywearing had changed her life and how it had caused a mini revolution as several of her friends are now babywearers as a result of it.

It's like ripples spreading on a pond. I got really into babywearing thanks to my friend Soaud who taught me how to wrap my baby, had I not met Souad or discovered my local slingmeet I'd probably be doing stuff one handed and struggling with a pushchair most days.

It's nice to get a reminder that we have an affect in the world, we don't live in a bubble. I feel like the village freak some days.

Our baby is one!

Our beautiful baby Phoebe was one last week (1/8/08). We had a beautiful few days. The day before her birthday was our LLL picnic, hosted by a member who has a gorgeous home and garden with stunning views. It was wonderful to catch up with people. The children enjoyed themselves and the mothers did too. Amazingly the rain held off - until 1.30pm which was when we'd all finished anyhow!

On Phoebe's actual birthday we went for a pub lunch, then in the afternoon we had a little party with two close friends and their children and all the grandparents - all six of them as Paul's parents are divorced and remarried. We played games and picniced in the garden. Phoebe loved everything and smiled and chattered all day long.

I've been doing a lot of reminiscing about the past year. Remembering Phoebe's birth still gives me a sense of euphoria and pride. If I never have another baby I'll have gone out on a high - a peaceful home waterbirth was such a contrast to the two highly medicalised births I had for Lucy and Anna. Having Phoebe my way in my own space has given me tremendous confidence and strength.....deep down I had that strength already I just didn't know it. Thank goodness we had a fabulous birth and that I could draw from that because the time that followed really pushed this family to it's limits. We're finding our balance again after one thing then another. I've learnt a lot about myself.

It's certainly been a rollercoaster of a year!