Enforced Rest

I had a minor operation the week before last and so I've been forced to take it easy.  It was a little more traumatic than we could have predicted so for a good few days I couldn't really do anything.  I anticipated it with a sense of dread for months and months as I'm so rarely apart from the children, especially Phoebe who's not even 2 yet and nurses loads, but it was OK in the end, everyone got through it with no lasting consequences.   In fact for several nights after I came home Phoebe slept better than she ever has, though it's not lasted and who can tell if it was related to what had been happening.

Anyway for the last 10 days I've done more knitting, watching of DVDs and reading than I've done in the last year.   And I've had a holiday from volunteering.  I actually love volunteering and it energises me but it has been eating more and more time recently so the break from that has been good on more than one level as I've had chance to reflect on what I can do with the time that I'm able to give.

It was a little frustrating to be inactive and I had to try hard to relinquish control over the household and just let DH get on with it all, but at the same time I did enjoy chilling out and I definitely should try harder to make more time for it.    I'm positive I'll be more patient and enjoy the things I have to do more if I carve out a little more 'me time' a little more often.  

I shouldn't need the excuse of surgery or hospitalisation to occasionally go off duty for a bit!  

Sleep Obsession

I look forward to a time when I am not constantly missing sleep, counting the hours I sleep, the number of times I wake and starting the day when it still feels like night. I know a lot of it is about attitude and there have been periods where I'm probably not getting more sleep than at the moment but I've not been tired and obsessive about sleep the way I am right now. When other stuff is going on aside from the everyday things I really realise just how much I need to sleep more. My concentration isn't too good and my memory is pretty below par too.

Lucy has always slept for long stretches. There was even a time where I had to wake her up some mornings if we needed to go out early. Sigh!! Anna was a 'high need' baby who seemed to hate to sleep. She only started to reliably go through the night when Phoebe was a few months old. Phoebe wakes to nurse at night, I can deal with this, I accept it's normal and in her best interests and as we co sleep it's not overly disruptive to my sleep (teething and colds aside!), no, it's not the nights - it's the ridiculously early mornings.

People have commented on my wearing full make up and being super organised in the mornings on the way to school. That is what happens when you have up to three hours tol fill before you leave the house! If you ever see me minus mascara running up the road 5 minutes late you will know that day was a rare and longed for day where I got to sleep in until a more sociable hour! Looking on the bright side I admit it's a good feeling to return from drop off to no pots in the kitchen, a load of washing already done with a tired toddler in tow who will sleep all morning allowing me to get on with stuff and even enjoy a nice cuppa. However I would like her to kip a bit longer so that we can sometimes go out in the mornings without her being very tired!

Ho hum!

long time no blog!

I just haven't had time for ages, I never sit still long enough to write a great deal, life got extra bisy when Phoebe started to walk way back in August.

Anyway I'm back today to share something Anna (aged 4) is worrying about.....I'll record the conversation we had:

Anna: One day will I die? (no idea where this has come from!)

me: Yes, nobody lives forever, I'm sure it won't be for a very, very long time though

Anna: Will you die mummy?

me: yes, we all die one day, but not for a very long time, my mummy and daddy are still alive so I'm sure I'll be around to see you have your own babies and watch them grow up.

Anna: (starts to cry a little bit) I don't want you to die, I need you to look after me

me: I'm really sure you won't need looking after cos you'll be all grown up, you will have your own house by then

Anna: (sobbing) I don't EVER want to have my own house, I want to stay here with you, Daddy, Lucy and Phoebe!

Me: (now cuddling Anna) that's lovely sweetheart, you might feel differently when you're a grown up, we'll all live together for a very long time before you even THINK about living in your own place

She seemed reassured to I popped out of the room to get a drink....and heard her say 'Lucy, when we grow up can we live in a house together?' I didn't hear Lucy's reply. I returned to the dining room and Anna asked me if she'll be able to cook pasta whenever she likes when she's a grown up (yes) and said maybe we'll all live in a row of houses and go to each others' houses for tea every day.

I don't know what's brought this on. Just lately Jade Goody has been on my mind a lot as it's so heartbreaking for her and her kids, she's only 27 and they're 4 and 5. I know someone else who's lost their partner/kids' mother too. I haven't spoken about any of this in front of my children so it's kind of spooked me out slightly that Anna's talked about this today.

Like ripples that spread when a pebble is dropped into water

I was at my LLL meeting today and saw a woman I thought I knew but couldn't think where from....it happens a lot with me as I always remember faces but tend to forget all other details. We got chatting and remembered that we'd met at a home ed thing a year ago (I toy with the idea of HE from time to time). She told me she'd hoped she'd run into me again ever since that day as she'd bought a sling after seeing me use a woven wrap to carry Phoebe who must have only been a month or so old then. She told me how the sling and babywearing had changed her life and how it had caused a mini revolution as several of her friends are now babywearers as a result of it.

It's like ripples spreading on a pond. I got really into babywearing thanks to my friend Soaud who taught me how to wrap my baby, had I not met Souad or discovered my local slingmeet I'd probably be doing stuff one handed and struggling with a pushchair most days.

It's nice to get a reminder that we have an affect in the world, we don't live in a bubble. I feel like the village freak some days.

Our baby is one!

Our beautiful baby Phoebe was one last week (1/8/08). We had a beautiful few days. The day before her birthday was our LLL picnic, hosted by a member who has a gorgeous home and garden with stunning views. It was wonderful to catch up with people. The children enjoyed themselves and the mothers did too. Amazingly the rain held off - until 1.30pm which was when we'd all finished anyhow!

On Phoebe's actual birthday we went for a pub lunch, then in the afternoon we had a little party with two close friends and their children and all the grandparents - all six of them as Paul's parents are divorced and remarried. We played games and picniced in the garden. Phoebe loved everything and smiled and chattered all day long.

I've been doing a lot of reminiscing about the past year. Remembering Phoebe's birth still gives me a sense of euphoria and pride. If I never have another baby I'll have gone out on a high - a peaceful home waterbirth was such a contrast to the two highly medicalised births I had for Lucy and Anna. Having Phoebe my way in my own space has given me tremendous confidence and strength.....deep down I had that strength already I just didn't know it. Thank goodness we had a fabulous birth and that I could draw from that because the time that followed really pushed this family to it's limits. We're finding our balance again after one thing then another. I've learnt a lot about myself.

It's certainly been a rollercoaster of a year!

Rained out of Devon

Last week was our much-looked-forward-to week in Devon. We'd postponed it from the start of June due to Paul's illness. So when holiday time finally rolled around we were very upbeat, seeing it as the end of our recent woes and the start of more carefree times.

We broke our journey in Bristol for the night and had a lovely walk and meal out. The next day as we travelled further SW the sky got darker, the clouds became heavier and by the time we arrived at our cottage the heavens had well and truly opened. Unpacked, then the boiler blew out - yup not only was it peeing down, it was cold enough for central heating too). The owner tried his best to fix it but couldn't so we had to repack and move cottage. We were wet through to the bone just walking across a courtyard. Paul was in pain again from the lifting and moving.

There followed a few days of cold, wind, heavy showers. We did have a lovely afternoon in Clovelly which is beautiful, and we did have some good walks, nice meals and some beach fun - albeit in wellies and rain coats. The rest of the time we were cold, tired and stressed. Phoebe and I got heavy colds. Phoebe was miserable and hardly slept. I was miserable and hardly slept. The very last thing I felt like doing was trudging round in damp, windy weather but we had to get out - nice as the cottage was it wasn't a lot of fun for the kids in there or relaxing for us. We gave up the hol on Wednesday, 3 days early. Left Devon in the pouring rain. Therein had the journey from hell. Accidents, traffic jams, screaming baby, bored kids, everyone bickering. The low point was me begging Paul to stop on the hard shoulder of the M6 in heavy traffic near Wolverhampton....even regular stops to feed Phoebe and walk round with her didn't stop her crying a lot.

Got home and Lucy had a very high temp and the shakes, gave her aconite and belladonna and put her straight to bed. She was right as rain the next day, homeopathy is magic! I felt thoroughly spent - having a cold, Phoebe having a cold and general bickering of the older children and with Paul took it's toll. I thought that at least I had LLL the following day - being with other mamas would be good for me and allow Paul a quiet morning to himself on his birthday....but woke on the Thursday still full of cold with a fever on top. We did go out and have fun the remaining 2 days of the week thanks to me dosing myself up and Phoebe recovering greatly. Fun was had at Eureka! in Halifax. Family harmony is restored. Next time we go away it'll have to be abroad or a UK hol that is not dependant on sunshine.

Slings competition!

http://www.alongfortheride.biz/contest-s/49.htm - Win the Essential Babywearing Stash from Along for the Ride (one Beco Butterfly, one Hotsling baby pouch, one BabyHawk Mei Tai, one Zolowear Ring Sling, and one Gypsy Mama Wrap)

Too good to miss the chance of!

xxx